A Tour Of The Abyss Read online

A Tour Of The Abyss

  James Hirt

  Copyright James Hirt 2012

  To the reader,

  This is a collection of writings I have selected from a large pool, which I have produced over many years. I used these as a vehicle for what I was feeling after experiencing an extremely devastating time in my life. This is the reason for the title ‘A Tour Of The Abyss’. This was therapy and I never intended to share these. I finally did share these with just one person. This person encouraged me and never placed judgment on me and would tell me if he did or didn’t like them. He was and is a true friend. He knows who he is, a great and top quality human being. Later I began to share them with my mother who is a lover of poetry. She accepted them for what they were and gave me good response on them whether she liked them or not. She, also, is a top quality human being and I have to thank her for always being there and helping me more that she will ever know. She is the model of consistency. I must also thank my father. He is eternally supportive of me and he has been an exemplary role model on what it is to be a good man. I hope these promote thought, discussion, or some sort of reaction.

  Thanks for reading,

  316

  My voice has been put here as a warning

  Foretelling of the fall of man

  I have in me a special someone

  My gift is for the chosen few

  I know these things because…

  Because that’s what was revealed…

  Revealed through what I was told…

  Told to me by someone like me

  (That’s what I wanted to hear)

  Heed my warning lowly sinner

  Your humble servant, I must decrease

  Power-hungry reprobate

  Surrender…

  (I want to rule your life)

  Through my sacrifice I must exalt him

  Through self-denial we become as one

  Listen to me wandering heathen

  Receive…

  (Spiritual lobotomy)

  Through my lowly humble offering

  I will give of all my time

  Speak for him to set straight the evildoers

  With an uncompromising voice

  (Superstitious elitist)

  My pervading friend speaks through me

  His compassion meets you where you are

  As long as you throw out and recant

  Throw out…

  (Tradition, culture, creed)

  I will persuade you with my pious mien

  Thank god I’m not like you

  Listen and I’ll set you free

  You need to be just like me

  Just like me

  (Dogma of death)

  Every attack that you mount against me

  The words, jeers, down to the rolling eyes

  Proof that your are not of the elect

  These are your ticket to hell

  Because you don’t line up

  (Chosen delusion)

  My fervor stronger; warming my voice

  To tell you of your errant ways

  Because (my) truth is exclusive

  And I am here for you, in his name

  Warming my voice

  (Pith of arrogance)

  A New Normal

  I need a new normal

  A place where I can rest

  Relaxed and informal

  And not always at my best

  Ethereal

  Illusive

  Immaterial

  Inconclusive

  Exhausting my options

  Tired of looking

  What’s my true function?

  Losing my footing

  Concessions

  Stipulations

  Suppression

  Frustrations

  This might be my new normal

  Maybe I’ve just not accepted

  Emotional shifts into corporal

  Lucidity intercepted

  Hopelessness

  Futility

  Bottomless

  Nihility

  Will time dull the edge?

  I’ve nothing left to look to

  With every painful parting word that’s said

  It’s the spiraling downward of the fool

  Alone

  Setting barriers which shouldn’t be breached

  A hiatus from life’s din

  Seeking solace from the writer

  Time to sort, line up, and check off

  This is my solo campaign

  Long, costly, and drawn out

  No chance for a covert attack

  Only the stricken sleep with this enemy

  The chimeric catholicon

  Fictive and otiose

  Analyze and weigh in

  This is war

  My only ally the author

  All others at ease

  I need a longer leash

  No need for the watchful eye

  Periodic vacillation is the model

  Raise the eyebrow and I’ll cut you down

  This is your cue to fall back

  Worry is distrust

  Enjoy and merge in the good

  Don’t wait for the other shoe

  Fade without dispute

  When the Hydra ascends

  Place trust in my strategies

  Our esprit de corps will refresh

  Like a cool breeze

  Trust and look the other way

  At a loss

  Love

  Admiration

  Respect

  Satiated needs

  How do these merits repel?

  There’s a glitch in the system

  A rife and egregious spell

  Repine, lament, and only listen

  Opposites attract

  Shift and lock into place

  This the question of fact

  At best now a hollow embrace

  Twisting the facile

  Into a fatuous gnarl

  The smile superficial

  Dichotomous sorrow

  No longer now tethered

  Floating about in a dither

  Psyche and soul quite weathered

  I’ve lost my aplomb altogether

  Death spiral

  Death rattle

  Truth is now guile

  In your garrulous prattle

  Can this plight be emended?

  Effort reeks of futility

  Asocially distended

  Lost palatability

  Believe

  Programmed at the youngest age

  Unquestioning accidence

  Drinking in every chapter and page

  Yet nothing but empirical silence

  Get to know me yet with nowhere to start

  Mysterious deistical existence

  Worship me with your whole heart

  Base your life on mythological reference

  I created you and I reign above

  Eternal torment if you’re not in the fold

  Never forget that I’m a god of love

  Don’t question it; Do what you’re told

  Murder, rape, incest, and genocide

  All has been done in my name

  Go ahead and take a long look

  It’s all right there in my own “holy” book

  Anthropopathisms:

  The words of accommodation?

  Helping you to understand?

  Why the difference in each congregation?

  Isagogics, Exegetics, Categories

  The intellectual approach

  I am concomitant with something chimerical

  Yet my existence is beyond reproach

  Mercy is mandated if you belong to me

  Yet this is not my example

  The last thin
g I want is you to be free

  I need your life in a shambles

  I require your devotion

  You must keep my statutes

  Stay high on emotion

  That’s just how I want you

  Don’t look too close

  You’ll find I’m a lie

  I’m really the puppet

  With nothing

  Nihility

  Nothing

  Boundaries

  Emotion opens the mouth

  Embellish and run with it

  Reputations run south

  Addendums loosely knit

  The fragile circle

  All but irreparable

  The bond though unspoken

  One is still accountable

  Levels of trust

  Beg levels of vulnerability

  Certain matters better not discussed

  To return is to exercise futility

  The compulsion to air it out

  Comes from lack of boundaries

  Many ears beyond any doubt

  Confirm sliding faculties

  Reciprocation has a vicious bite

  The die has been cast

  Though this might make one contrite

  Through the prolix mouth the stigmas are passed

  Reticence is a bastion

  Where protection and control abide

  The mouth is governed by volition

  Let self-respect and restraint coincide

  Chasm

  Chasmal mind

  Frantically groping

  Inner eye blind

  Delusively hoping

  Muddy thinking

  I’m in a terrible stew

  Incessantly shrinking

  Spiraling down to the piceous hue

  Abrading the nethermost

  Crawling and dragging

  Consorting with ghosts

  Sagacity aborting

  Waves of isolation

  Crash on my soul

  Crippled foundation

  Second guessing my role

  Bearing down

  Straining to focus

  On what I’ve found

  Yet I’m nonplussed

  Can I pass this crucible?

  The test of fire

  Every turn is abysmal

  The scenery dire

  Collapse

  No life beyond a broken promise

  Imbalance and premeditation collide

  Dour outlook on which you subsist

  Lucidity; your darkness chides

  Halcyon days forgotten

  Steeped in deep regret

  The fruit of innocence now rotten

  Your reward; a sure bet

  Alienation befriends you

  A knee-jerk self-absorption

  Self-dialogues misconstrued

  You are your own hired gun

  Clouded psyche

  Choler in the air

  Death to esprit

  Vows to forswear

  Darkest of days

  Dissonant elegy

  Having its way

  Self-loathing’s penalty

  Common Origin

  Evisceration

  The noose

  Asphyxiation

  Disuse

  Pardon me, but I must

  Think this thing out

  Quickly I must readjust

  But for now my wishes are devout

  Infection

  Disembowel

  Immolation

  Throw in the towel

  What have I become?

  The men in black have come to call

  To what device shall I succumb?

  I keep the time on my cell wall

  Parasitic

  Blunt force trauma

  Anaphylaxis

  Say hello to your mama

  A common origin

  But I’ve let the hounds loose

  Not the original but actual sin

  I enjoy it, there’s no excuse

  Pondering

  Self-examination

  Wondering

  Fixation

  Confront

  Endeavor to subdue

  Bracing on a slippery slope

  Ready myself for permission’s debut

  Courting resolve to cut the rope

  Slapdash direction

  Ethereal solutions with nowhere to land

  Two wills in the throes of insurrection

  Black listed from our native land

  Hounds on the hunt

  Closing in with ferocity teeming

  Bearing down on a common front

  Coming to grips as the pendulum swings

  The common bond

  Frays to a thread

  For what once was longed

  Is raising death’s head

  Impassable rampart

  Castigation in a closed loop

  The end comes before the start

  Is the entire account a fluke?

  Dredging the bottom

  For the illusory find

  Hope but a phantom

  Births lucidity of mind

  Does It?

  Does it come to visit often?

  Does it turn up just in time?

  This thing has your number

  I can hear your elegy chime

  Does it help you to remember?

  Does it give what you don’t have?

  You’d even settle for pretender

  No one there on your behalf

  Does it catch up to you quickly?

  Can you shake it? Tear away?

  Tantamount to infamy

  Your life, the quintessence of shame

  Does it assuage your guilty recall?

  Does it foster sublimation?

  Does it remind that you’ve lost it all?

  Does it give evaluation?

  I wish on you your greatest horror

  Short of breath and cowering

  Cannot swim and far from shore

  Having all I’d give you nothing

  I hope that you have no hope at all

  Wade in the mire of affliction

  I’m looking forward to your fall

  My odium for you is addiction

  Karma’s levied its judgment on you

  Can’t escape its puissant hold

  Surfacing now only what is true

  Ruthless suffering please don’t withhold

  I have sequestered all emotion

  Looked the other way ‘til now

  In your ruin is my devotion

  If asked of you I’ll disavow

  I will let you suffer in despair

  This is my hell bent farewell to you

  To my level of hatred you’re still unaware

  FUCK YOU!

  Exile

  Digging for what may already be gone

  Can I recall just where I left this?

  Once gone can it be reclaimed?

  Is there a substitute, which satisfies?

  Am I contriving feelings?

  Which will educe more malaise

  Am I not at the right angle?

  Do I need to reexamine once again?

  Reticence is not always the safe course

  Nor is the prolix mouth

  Pensiveness, contemplation, reflection

  Work through this to an end

  Look inside the old man

  Cut through the pretense of others’ help

  What’s right for one is not for the next

  Pull from the primary

  Emotion, feeling, and agitation

  Move me farther from the goal

  Ignorance effectuates fear

  Fear ostracizes

  Chosen exile with everyone I need

  Allow actions to serve their purpose

  Drawing from the throes of your emotion

  Fifth column of the ratiocinatory mind

  Eyes Closed

  Requested reentry

  Into the void

  Defensive amnesia<
br />
  Expunges pain and regret for now

  Short sighted

  Self-absorbed

  Denial exudes from every pore

  Clueless

  Aloof

  I’d choose evisceration

  Rather than take this tour again

  Frustrated with a victim’s bad blood

  Point the finger

  Though you broke faith

  Ride that into the ground

  Look from afar

  Taciturn mouth

  Unfurl the mind

  Turn away with hope

  Arms ready to open

  Relaxed veneer

  Tremble inside

  Fear of banishment

  Bated breath

  Light at the end

  Follow

  Trust

  Flood

  Out of control use and abuse

  Memories flood what’s the excuse

  Caringly desensitized

  Family ties are jeopardized

  Highest highs and the lowest lows

  Conclusions you drew no one knows

  Been held hostage self-induced strife

  A diet of pain, the pseudo-life

  The flood it comes mercy for none

  The strong deal with but I count you as done

  The floodgates break without warning

  Healing comes with strength and mourning

  Looking back now do you see the damage?

  You’ve kept on and on how do you manage?

  Your heart says one thing but your mouth says another

  Subjugating your life the demons that smother

  For You

  This is for you

  Blameless casualties

  Tell me what I can do

  Your emotional amputee

  Shock, disbelief

  Depression, angst

  Always in the forefront

  Still obsession overwhelms

  Questions left unanswered

  Surreal storyline

  Not armed to fight this battle

  Yet taking on friendly fire

  Guilt

  Your joy absconded

  Fear

  The unknown

  Creates the living dead

  Days hang

  As time scrapes

  Hoping for change

  Yet deep resentment takes shape

  Hopelessness seethes

  Flirt with the edge

  Not to bereave

  Still chained to a grudge

  Band of brothers

  Rebuild

  Uphold

  Strengthen

  Unfurling this mind-fuck

  Taking primacy

  Lacking a guidebook

  To oppugn this apostasy

  Fraud

  I am a fraud

  Full of deceit, a lie

  Go ahead and judge

  It doesn’t apply

  I look at myself

  My true enemy

  You’re better off

  If you don’t get to know me

  Whatever you like

  I’ll wear for you any face

  No matter what you see

  I’ve a soul that’s debase

  The id and the ego

  Battle for foundation

  Let the latter go

  And ease all frustration

  Categorize me

  Then you label

  Goodness in me

  Is just a fable

  Don’t look to me

  There’s nothing to admire

  You already know

  I’m a goddamn liar

  Forgive

  Sanity

  How long will you wait for me?

  In short spots coping passably

  I’m unable to shake this negative energy

  Forgiveness

  Can I really move past these injustices?

  How does one sidestep this?

  Anger creeps in when saying goodbye to the guiltless

  Without what has already been done

  I wouldn’t watch them wane from my sight

  Anger is healthy but for just a short run

  Loathing, though, steps in if anger’s not shaken outright

  This emotion is like wearing a bad suit

  As I watch them leave I wear it yet again

  It’s out of style and doesn’t fit

  But I hold this thing dear; my life’s drain

  The sleeves are too short

  The shoulders too tight

  My true self and this do not consort

  The former is now out of sight

  I keep it very close

  Knowing that I will don it sooner than later

  With this demon I’m continually exposed

  Because the enemy is my tailor

  Can one really drum up a pardon?

  Can one truly expunge feelings?

  Is it code for suppression?

  Turning a deaf ear to inner pleadings?

  I am the weakling

  The outlier who is incapable of this

  I can’t seem to stop this profuse bleeding

  Just surviving I wade in this guilty abyss

  What do I tell the inner me?

  Where are the tools to get it done?

  I know that nobody rides for free

  Dire consequences, forever, I will not outrun

  Without a battle plan

  I cannot hope to win this war

  No use seeking comfort from myth or man

  To my litany of problems this only adds more

  Will I ride this into the grave?

  How does a person let go?

  Have I made this more than it was?

  Can I hope to break its virile hold?

  Have I, within myself, embellished the facts?

  Is it that I’m losing touch?

  At times I am consumed; that’s fact

  Am I now the crazy bitch?

  Get in Line

  Courting others’